Filed under: Guys/Boyfriends, Random Ramblings | Tags: boyfriends, boys, breaking up, confused, confusion, crushes, ex's, Friends, guys, guys and girls, kissing, love, me, messed up, random, teenager
I thought I loved you. Then I thought I was over you. Then I realised I missed you. You told me you liked me, and missed me too. I think that’s what broke me. What made me realise that actually…when I said I loved you. I meant it. More than you did, and more than I realised I did at the time. And…you saying that, it made me realise that truly, when you love someone…you don’t ever stop.
Sure, you can stop being IN LOVE with them, and I did for a while.
But you can never stop LOVING them. It’s part of you.
Even though I thought I stopped, I didn’t.
I stopped liking you in that way, I stopped being in love with you…but I would still do far too much for you for it just to be a strong friendship.
I still loved you.
And you had to go and make me realise it, didn’t you?
Now I’m sure of it: I love you.
But that doesn’t help…I’m still confused. Because you’ve said you don’t like me in that way anymore. You don’t love me. I mean you’ve said you like my best friend for God’s sake. You’d think I’d accept that and move on.
I would be able to.
If…
If you stopped looking at me like that.
If you stopped hugging me for no reason.
If you stopped texting me and calling me.
If you stopped touching me at random times. Not sexually, no, then I would be able to say something. Just small things. Sitting with our bare feet touching under a table. Sitting so your side was touching mine, sending heat along my spine. Grabbing my hands when we pulled out of a hug so the contact would last longer. Squeezing my hand.
I could deal with it if you did ONE of these things. Two, maybe even three. But you do all of them. And not only when we’re alone. Around your parents, even. They see it, they drop hints about you liking me. I hear them, and I understand them. But they don’t understand that you don’t feel that way. They even joke that I shouldn’t like you.
Is it really that obvious?
But the touching…
It disturbs me. It makes me think that maybe you DO like me…but then when we’re around our friends, you’re back to being offhand with me again. But not TOTALLY offhand. There’s always that one glance, that one fleeting touch.
If you stopped acting like we were going out, I might be able to stop liking you.
Stop wanting to hold your hand.
Stop wanting to hug you.
To cry to you.
Just to be able to be with you.
What’s really worrying me is that in those happy months when we were going out, this level of contact would have scared me. Jesus, holding hands scared me the first time. And we didn’t get this physically close until about the end of the first month. It scares me that we’re closer (pysically) now than we were when we were going out in the beginning.
That isn’t right.
But I can’t stop you, because you’re just doing what comes naturally. So am I, when it comes down to it. Plus, I don’t want you to stop. I love it.
I’m just scared that one day, it will come naturally to kiss you…
…and I just don’t know how either of us will react.
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