So the guy I’ve been on about? The one who’s my ex, who I liked and messed up any chance of me moving on by saying he liked me? I’m over him.
Yep. You heard me right. I am actually over him. It’s fantastic!
Why? Weeell… as my friend said, I’ve been ‘a naughty girl (;’
It’s not that bad, don’t worry! Basically, I was on Explorer camp on HMS Bristol over October half term. Well it was amazing, but what made it unforgettable, was the fact that I met James there. On the first day I was walking behind him and he had a facebook necker, so me being me, I went ‘you’ve got a facebook necker, awesome!’
Then that night when we had free time and were just playing pool and talking and whatever, he was standing all by himself, so I went over and started talking to him. For the next 5 night, we spent about 4 hours together, sitting on the waist-height long (maybe 10m long?) box at the side of the room; talking, getting to know each other. I realised a few days in that when he was around I wouldn’t talk to anyone else, only him. Over these days, we went from just talking, to him pretending to fall asleep on me (one day even lying spread out over the box with his head in my lap), to us blatantly flirting.
I figured out that yeah, I had a crush on him…but I thought he was just messing around, cause he’s 16 and year 12; a year and a half older than me.
Then on the second last night, him and my friends were already sitting on the box, but I was late getting there, and there was no room left. I kinda stood talking, awkwardly, cause I was in the way of the people playing pool. I moved to let them get a shot, and when I moved back James pulled me inbetween his legs, wrapped his arms round me and pressed his cheek into mine. I wrapped my arms around me and he grabbed my hands and held them, really cutely (: we had many people ask us whether we were going out and got very shocked replies when we said we weren’t, which was amusing.
But that was the point where I realised that maybe, just maybe, he liked me too. And that was when I fell for him even more.
The last night there was a disco, and we ended up standing with him holding me as above, me sitting on him, dancing together, walking around hand in hand, slow dancing together, and finally (making what I’d been dreaming about for the past days come true); he kissed me. More than once.
I miss him ): he lives about two and a half, maybe three hours drive away, and four hours train ride away. It sucks; I never get to see him, he’s really busy so we barely talk on msn etc., and he thinks the distance might be too much, so he didn’t ask me out.
So I’m over Denis, but I’ve fallen for an older guy who lives hundreds of miles away…
Christmas visit methinks (;
Filed under: Guys/Boyfriends, Random Ramblings | Tags: boyfriends, boys, breaking up, confused, confusion, crushes, ex's, Friends, guys, guys and girls, kissing, love, me, messed up, random, teenager
I thought I loved you. Then I thought I was over you. Then I realised I missed you. You told me you liked me, and missed me too. I think that’s what broke me. What made me realise that actually…when I said I loved you. I meant it. More than you did, and more than I realised I did at the time. And…you saying that, it made me realise that truly, when you love someone…you don’t ever stop.
Sure, you can stop being IN LOVE with them, and I did for a while.
But you can never stop LOVING them. It’s part of you.
Even though I thought I stopped, I didn’t.
I stopped liking you in that way, I stopped being in love with you…but I would still do far too much for you for it just to be a strong friendship.
I still loved you.
And you had to go and make me realise it, didn’t you?
Now I’m sure of it: I love you.
But that doesn’t help…I’m still confused. Because you’ve said you don’t like me in that way anymore. You don’t love me. I mean you’ve said you like my best friend for God’s sake. You’d think I’d accept that and move on.
I would be able to.
If…
If you stopped looking at me like that.
If you stopped hugging me for no reason.
If you stopped texting me and calling me.
If you stopped touching me at random times. Not sexually, no, then I would be able to say something. Just small things. Sitting with our bare feet touching under a table. Sitting so your side was touching mine, sending heat along my spine. Grabbing my hands when we pulled out of a hug so the contact would last longer. Squeezing my hand.
I could deal with it if you did ONE of these things. Two, maybe even three. But you do all of them. And not only when we’re alone. Around your parents, even. They see it, they drop hints about you liking me. I hear them, and I understand them. But they don’t understand that you don’t feel that way. They even joke that I shouldn’t like you.
Is it really that obvious?
But the touching…
It disturbs me. It makes me think that maybe you DO like me…but then when we’re around our friends, you’re back to being offhand with me again. But not TOTALLY offhand. There’s always that one glance, that one fleeting touch.
If you stopped acting like we were going out, I might be able to stop liking you.
Stop wanting to hold your hand.
Stop wanting to hug you.
To cry to you.
Just to be able to be with you.
What’s really worrying me is that in those happy months when we were going out, this level of contact would have scared me. Jesus, holding hands scared me the first time. And we didn’t get this physically close until about the end of the first month. It scares me that we’re closer (pysically) now than we were when we were going out in the beginning.
That isn’t right.
But I can’t stop you, because you’re just doing what comes naturally. So am I, when it comes down to it. Plus, I don’t want you to stop. I love it.
I’m just scared that one day, it will come naturally to kiss you…
…and I just don’t know how either of us will react.
Filed under: Thursday Thirteens (ignoring the Thursday part)
1. I used to skateboard. When I was about thirteen me and my friend decided we were going to learn. I can do it, just no tricks or anything and I am prone to falling off (:
2. I say ‘like’. It’s become a habit that is very annoying to others and to me. I’m trying to stop, and I think it’s working *fingers crossed*.
3. I’m going to start rowing. A lot of my good friends row, I want to do more sport, I’m a good physique for it and I tried it on camp; loved it and wasn’t too bad. I hopefully start next term (:
4. I don’t like roses. I’m sorry, but everybody uses roses. Why can’t guys be different and give girls daisys or daffodils or something. I want to fall in love with someone who will give me tulips (favourite flower) because it shows they’re different. I’m not picky at all, honest!
5. I have no stamina. It sucks; I’ve been training once/twice a week for athletics for 4 and a half years then went up to twice/three times a week for the last 6 months. I’ve been kayaking for 3 years, football/basketball/hockey/netball at different times over the last 6 yearsish. But because I train for throwing in athletics, my running stamina is still rubbish ): I can do loads of sprint training, not much problem. Tell me to run 1500m, I die.
6. I’ve never been ‘popular’. I’ve never been part of the group. I’ve always had quite a few friends, people like me; it’s not as if I get picked on or anything. It’s just that I’ve never seen the point in dressing up to impress people, and now I’m getting older and I am not doing drugs/sex/alcohol just to fit in. No. Way.
7. My life is ever so slightly messed up at the moment.
8. I think I’m in love. With a guy who likes three of my best friends, and not me. And I know that if he likes me or if he doesn’t, I’m going to get hurt. But I don’t care. ‘Cause it’s too late to stop myself falling…
9. People lose my trust easily. I think the guy aforementioned may have, unless he has some damn good reasons for some of the stuff he’s put me through.
10. I also give the trust back too easily. Just got a text from him, bang. Trust him again. This is ridiculous. Also random instances of fights with friends that could have caused hate: not forgotten, but forgiven.
11. I absolutely LOVE some lyrics. The ones where it feels like the artist has jumped into your heart and written out your feelings? Fantastic. They are AMAZING. I can listen to them over and over and never get tired of them.
12. I’m scared of the party coming up. I made a pact with Becca that by ten in the morning (everyone’s sleeping over) i would have kissed denis and she would kiss one of the guys she wouldn’t mind kissing (; lol. Except Denis might not be able to come, and that would ruin everything because I need him to talk to cause us two are practically the only people who won’t drink, and I need someone to help keep people under control, and I just want to see him. So much.
13. I trust my friends with different things. Only one friend knows all of my secrets I think.
Filed under: Friends, Guys/Boyfriends, People, Random Ramblings | Tags: crushes, facebook, guys and girls, kissing, liking, messed up, oddness, party
My life is so odd. I was on facebook when I suddenly decided (I never look at it) to look at the ‘people you may know’ section on the homepage. It shows one person, and it came up with a guy I had a huge crush on for about 3 years. I never thought I’d speak to him again. Weird.
Also, my life is so messed up (: I have a party to go to in about two weeks, and we’re camping over. Just in our little group of guys/girls (it’s hard to have a group when we go to different, single sex schools but I think we’ve managed it) plus a few extras we have this list of people who have been out/like each other.
Denis -> Me, Cora, Becca and Fran have been out with. I like a lot. He likes Fran and I think me.
Dec -> Been out with Cora. Becca and Cora like. I used to like a lil tiny bit. Has a girlfriend.
Dan -> Becca’s been out with. She likes a lil.
Anthony -> Used to like Becca, Becca used to and still likes him a tiny lil bit i think.
James -> Becca went out with, and still likes. He likes some randomer.
Harrison -> Becca was in love with for about 6 months. He’s a bastard. She likes a lot. Has a girlfriend.
Elliot -> Becca likes.
This is messed up. And hilarious (:
People who want to kiss another:
Me -> Denis
Cora -> Dec
Becca -> Dec
Becca -> Harrison
Becca -> James
Becca -> Elliot
Becca -> Dan
Denis -> Fran
Denis -> Me? I hope?
Yes Becca looks like a slag, she isn’t don’t worry. She just likes a lot of guys at once O.o
The worst thing is there’s gonna be alcohol. Becca and Cora; bad when drunk.
Oh and me and Becca have a pact that if by two hours before the end no-one has hooked up, I’ll kiss Denis and she’ll kiss a guy of her choice. I actually hope we have to! Although I may kiss him beforehand. It’s easier in the dark. Plus everyone will be drinking and we won’t be so it might mean we go off by ourselves (yn).
Or I could kiss him before the party if we meet up (I’m pretty sure we will).
What I might do when we meet up beforehand is if there’s a moment I’ll ask ‘What would you do if I kissed you?’ and depending on his response either kiss him there and then or kiss him at the party or just not kiss him at all.
Still nine days til he gets home, and then he’s off for a rowing competitions.
Two weeks from now I should have seen him again. (: S:
Filed under: Random Ramblings | Tags: cycling, fallouts, Friends, hated, talking, truth
So, today went well. I did 10 miles on a bike, got about 7 nettle stings, took the scab off my cut and bled all down my leg. And now I think two of my best friends hate me. I’m doing well.
Why is it that guys can tell the truth and everyone accepts it. If you’re a guy and you don’t like what someone’s saying, you’re classed as weak.
Girls tell the truth, and everyone classes you as a bitch.
I hate it. It’s unfair, it sucks, and I was only trying to help.
And no, I cannot be bothered to write it all out seeing as though I’m explaining it all to one guy, attempting to stay friends with two girls, and being normal with another guy.
I might just go and sleep.
Filed under: Guys/Boyfriends, Quotes/Advice, Random Ramblings | Tags: advice, agony aunt, boyfriends, crushes, eating disorders, Friends, guys, help
Jeez, the amount of advice I’ve had to give tonight is ridiculous.
Boyfriend help, guys, crushes, break-up help, friends help, family help, friends with eating disorders… the list goes on.
Just call me agony aunt.
Filed under: Thursday Thirteens (ignoring the Thursday part) | Tags: challenge, facts, random, thursday thirteens
Ha, told you it wouldn’t be every Thursday (;
1. I will not eat jaffa cakes. Nothin’ to do with the taste, I actually used to love them. My brother-in-law’s sister swallowed four of them with razor blades in. I can’t eat them anymore, the thought freaks me out.
2. I have never had coke. As in the drink, don’t worry! I don’t like fizzy stuff, so I’ve never even tried it.
3. I really want to get a Specialized Hardrock for my birthday. For anyone that doesn’t know, that’s a hardtail (front suspension only) mountain bike. It’s amazing, especially compared to my apollo bike from Halfords (: However, the cheapest one I’ve found so far is £244.67, which is quite a bit over what I get for my birthday. Saving, here I come!
4. I will never smoke. I promised myself when I was about 10 that I would never smoke in my life, no matter the peer pressure or any other reason. Over the past four years, the determination has only got stronger as some people in my year started smoking and my best friend started.
5. I love the lake district. If I got the choice to live in the Lake District or in … let’s say France, the Lake District would win. It’s amazing; I love the openess, greeness, Mental Kink Cake (renamed by my cousins and me; real name Kendal Mint Cake), all the natural surroundings, stone cottages, the amount of dogs and the stuff you can do there. It’s brilliant for walking and mountain biking. There’s campsites everywhere, loads of water activities on the lakes. I just love it. Oh… and there’s the Grasmere Gingerbread (;
6. I draw. Not particularly interesting, but it’s true. I have only ever let two people look through my entire sketchbooks, and that was Cora (friend since primary school) and Denis (ex-boyfriend). Other people have seen specific drawings, but not my scribblings.
7. I love my friends more than I realise. I realised how important they were to me once I was stupid and they deserted me. Now, I don’t ever want to lose them.
8. I can jump my bike. Self explanatory. Another reason why I want the Specialized; my bike ways a ton and if I can jump that (not very well) then I should be able to jump the Specialized pretty well (which I can; I nicked Denis’ lil brothers and tried!)
9. I love camping. I love everything to do with it. My favourite smell ever is the smell of wet canvas. One of my favourite sights; sun streaming through canvas. One of my favourite feelings; sleeping bag. Favourite sound; rain on canvas. You get the picture.
10. I want to compete at a high level. I don’t really mind what for, so long as I enjoy it. Although to get good enough to compete at a high level, you have to train a lot, which means you must like it really. Athletics, kayaking or rowing I’m hoping.
11. My favourite colour is blue. But my favourite mix of colours is the rainbow 
12. I make friends with guys a lot easier than girls. I’m getting better at making friends with girls; it’s hard not to, going to an all-girls school (:
13. I hate chain mail. It annoys the hell out of me. No, if I don’t forward this, a ghost called Timmy will not kill me tonight. Sorry to disappoint. However, the cute ones about friends and random tips, they’re pretty cool, I like them (:
Good, another one done. That was getting harder at the end :/
Filed under: Thursday Thirteens (ignoring the Thursday part) | Tags: about, challenge, facts, life, me, thirteen, thursday thirteens
So from looking at a few people’s blogs, I’ve gathered the idea of this is over 8 weeks to think of 13 things about you every thursday and get up to 104. Then delete 4 and you’ve got 100 things. It’s to let people get to know you more.
However. Me being lovely and unorganised, there’s no way I’m going to remember to do this every thursday, so I’ll just do it when I remember/think of things to say (:
1. I wear contacts. I’ve had glasses for 8 years (since I was 6), contacts for 4 years (since I was 10) and I can’t remember what it’s like to be able to see without either of them.
2. I make friends easily. I can make friends within about 5 minutes, but it takes me a long time for me to completely trust them.
3. I’m the youngest of five. I have two brothers, two sisters and a brother-in-law.
4. I love music. I love my iPod so much. I will listen to any kind of music, but I love punk, rock, some pop, indie and emo stuff most. I love how music changes your mood and reflects your feelings. I fail to write songs, but I play piano (grade five, played for 8 years) and flute (grade five, grade seven standard, played for 4 years) and I can play by ear, sightread and compose decently well on piano (I don’t like flute that much).
5. I don’t know whether I am religious or not. From birth, I went to a Catholic primary school and have been forced to attend church every Sunday, but in the past year I’ve been wishing my parents would lighten off and let me make my own descisions. I do believe there is something (someone?) there. I just don’t believe much of the rest of the Catholic teachings. And I hate their stance on gays and gay marriage. There’s nothing wrong with it!
6. I love the outdoors. Oddly, as a 14-year old girl, I don’t obsess about makeup or clothes (well not too much!) but I’d rather be outside covered in mud doing something dangerous and possibly life threatening.
7. I love adrenaline. This was proved by #6. However, I also mountain bike, compete, kayak, have water rafted and knee boarded and want to bungee jump. I don’t know why, I just love danger.
8. I own one item of makeup. This is mascara. I bought it in year 7 when I was trying to change my image and get a boyfriend. Afterwards I realised I don’t have the patience, I could be myself and my friends would still like me, and actually, I didn’t want a boyfriend who liked me because I dressed up, I wanted one who liked me for me and who I could be myself around. No-one in my year but me seems to have realised this fact yet.
9. I am not a tomboy. Sure, I go to scouts, dress like a guy, don’t wear makeup, go on camp, don’t mind mud and bugs, don’t obsess over film stars, don’t follow fashions and don’t squeal. But that doesn’t mean I’m a tomboy! I still enjoy dressing up, getting makeovers, I love having a boyfriend, I hold hands with my friends, am scared of big spiders, prefer not to be muddy and I cry easily. I am just a girl who likes guy things.
10. I love things like this. Anything that involves thinking of things about yourself, answering questions truthfully, listing things you’ve done… anything like that, I love it.
11. I get ill quite easily. I got swine flu at the start of the holidays. Guys, don’t freak about it; in England it’s mostly a pathetic strain. I was stuck in bed for a day, inside for about three, but it wasn’t too bad.
12. I’ve always got something wrong with me. At the moment I have a soft tissue injury to my shoulder, my hand is scalded, bruised and the skin is peeling off so it’s bandaged up, I have bites, a rash, eczema and the permanantly bad knee (I have bone sticking out of my kneecap, it’s very painful to fall on).
13. I am a freak at maths. I just am. I have never in my life revised, I’ve got from 95% – 100% in every test I’ve ever taken apart from my end of year last year where I missed half the lessons cause I was ill/competing/training/on vestibule duty. I got 93%. Oh, and I suck at using a calculator, I do the most ridiculous sums in my head/on paper because it’s harder for me to figure out how to do it on the calculator!
Filed under: Guys/Boyfriends, Quotes/Advice | Tags: advice, confusion, feedback, guys, love, quotes, truth
Fail.
Fail.
Oh and…
Epic fail.
I suck at this dating malarky.
I kissed him, loved him and still love him.
I listened to him, believed him, and I still do both.
I knew it was about to end, but still I held on hope that it wouldn’t. And technically you could say I got left again, because he broke an almost promise that we would get together.
I’m brilliant at this.
NB Quote from Marilyn Monroe - sadly I didn’t see this before I met him.
——————–
“As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to let us down probably will. You’ll have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when someone broke yours. You’ll fight with your best friend and maybe even fall in love with them. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast and you’ll eventually lose someone close to you. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every 60 seconds you spend angry or upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.”
So, the one person that wasn’t supposed to let me down. This could be me, Denis, kind of my friends but I guess that was my fault, my parents or my brother.
My heart broken; I don’t think so yet, just heavily bruised twice by the same person.
Break hearts; I broke my best friend’s. I still hate myself for it.
Fight with my best friend; Hell yeah. Cora and Becca mainly. My fault.
Fall in love with my best friend; To the best of my knowledge of what love is, yes I have.
Blame a new love; Haven’t had one, Ben does NOT count, I’m thinking of completely forgetting about that relationship.
Cry because time is passing too much; Tick.
Eventually lose someone close to me; No-one in that way, but me and Cora are drifting further and further apart, me and Denis split up, me and Maddie just aren’t really friends anymore…
Have I cried for them? First, yes. Second, yes. Third, kind of.
Take too many photos; I take quite a lot…
Laugh too much; I try to, but sometimes I get quite depressed for a number of reasons.
Love like you’ve never been hurt; Ah. Now this is the one I have problems with. For me it turns into hope like you’ve never been hurt, because I’ve only ever loved one boy. And I do hope exactly the same each time. And every time so far it’s got me upset.
I guess I’ll just have to keep on trying?
NB Quote from a sticker off bebo, aren’t I cool 
Filed under: Guys/Boyfriends, Quotes/Advice | Tags: boyfriends, breaking up, confused, confusion, ex's, Friends, guys, holidays, love, New, problems, teenager
NOTE: I didn’t write the poem at the bottom
So, in general this blog is gonna be me ranting about all my thoughts, might be cause i’m hyper, depressed or whatever. But at the mo, I’m just trying to figure out how to use this thing.
So. It’s the summer holidays, everythings supposed to be amazing. Nuh-uh. I’ve got a scalded bruised hand, it’s miserable weather, I haven’t seen my friends in ages, and I have a little love life problem.
Right. In October i met this guy through my friend becca (who was going out with him at the time), we got on really well, and he asked me out in january after she dumped him. That led to my friends deserting me but that’s another story. They’re back now, and helping me out. We went out for four months, and in that time I was the happiest and most complete I had ever been. I loved feeling safe, he made me laugh, he was there for me. His family were amazing. He was my first boyfriend, he got my first kiss and everything. I thought I loved him. I still think I do, but everything’s getting confusing. We got quite serious, too serious. He broke up with me because we were too serious. He said he still loved me, he just thought we were too young. I was upset, heartbroken, didn’t help that i’d quite seriously injured myself that day. But I could deal.
Then about a week after, I found out through becca that denis liked my friend who i’d recently got quite close to, fran. This got me even more upset, because I thought he’d lied when he said he still loved me.
He asked her out a month after we broke up. We had stayed good friends all through this time, and we still are now (two months has passed since we broke up). A few days later I asked out my friend Ben, and he said yes. She broke up with him after about two weeks because she is SO nervous about relationships and he went too fast. He was heartbroken. I’d never seen him cry before, no-one outside his family had, but he did then.
A few days later, I was starting to rethink my decision about Ben because he was like my brother, and it was just plain weird. Then i met with Denis, we were talking and he looks at me, and won’t tell me what he’s thinking. Later he drops the bombshell in a text that said:
‘What I wouldn’t say earlier was that I think I miss you more than I let myself admit, and like you more too.’
Well, as you can imagine, I didn’t know what to do. I dumped Ben after talking with Denis. He said he still liked Fran, and we’d have to wait a bit, but he was pretty sure he wanted to get back together with me.
Now, about two weeks later, he just said that he’s under too much pressure from rowing, school work and his relationships have gone crap the past year so he’s really sorry but it isn’t going to work.
Bang, I’m upset again. I never got over him, but I got to the stage where it wasn’t too bad. Then he gets my hopes up, and smashes them again.
The worst thing is he said he wasn’t ready now, but maybe some time in the future it could work out.
I hate that he’s giving me hope again. He shouldn’t do it, it hurts. It hurts more every time. And he keeps on doing it. And I keep on falling for it. The problem I have now is do I wait for him in the hope it’ll work? Or do I give up?
My advice to myself:
Forget the times he walked by,
Forget the times he made you cry,
Forget the times he spoke your name,
Remember now you’re not the same.
Forget the times he held your hand,
Forget the sweet things if you can,
Forget the times & Don’t pretend,
Remember now he’s just your friend.
Why do I get the feeling I’m going to struggle to take it?
